Misis Blog – For Moms and Dads

Parents of an Only Child, Your Mental Health Matters and That's Okay

One of the many things that parents take for granted is their mental health. It's often considered "selfish" to put yourself first, even when you're mentally drained and burned out.

But one thing I learned the hard way is that a parent's mental health matters, far more than we realize. It's actually one of the many reasons that we decided to be an only-child family.

The Guilt When You Put Yourself First

Both my husband and I are guilty of occasionally putting ourselves first.

We feel guilty when we take a few minutes to rest while our toddler plays on her own.

I feel guilty when I leave our daughter at home with my husband sometimes just so I can go out for a cup of coffee and have some peace and quiet.

At one point, we left our daughter at a daycare for a couple of hours so we can have a proper date after two long years, and we felt a tinge of guilt for that.

But you know? It's not selfish. Putting yourself first as a parent and caring for your mental health is perfectly okay.

As first-time parents, or even parents of multiples, finding time to take care of yourself is an elusive luxury. And what makes it more difficult is that parents are made to think that doing so is an act of neglect, or worse, child abuse.

What's wrong with taking a little breather for just a few minutes or a few hours, while also making sure your child is taken care of by a trusted caregiver?

And what's wrong with deciding to be one and done if doing so gives you more peace of mind?

Photo by Luma Pimentel on Unsplash

The Struggles of Being a First-Time Parent

Everybody will agree on this: being a first-time parent is hard.

And it's especially true during the newborn stage when your little bundle of joy turns out to be a little energy vampire who wakes up at the most inconvenient time.

The first three months when our daughter was born is still a blur to me—I can't remember much of it except for my husband and I being so perpetually exhausted and sleep-deprived.

Praise all the saints that when our daughter was 3.5 months old, she started sleeping through the night—or at least for around 4 hours straight before she cried and asked to be fed or held.

Our daughter is relatively an "easy" baby: She isn't colicky, she breastfeeds well, she sleeps through most nights, and is generally undemanding.

My pregnancy was rather uneventful too (save for eight whole months of whole-day "morning" sickness), and I had a quick delivery (just one push!).

That's one of the reasons why I feel guilty about being one and done: I had it easy, while some others had it worse, but I chose to stop at one. Am I a bad mother for not wanting more children?

However, things were not always that easy. During pregnancy, I suffered from prenatal depression, to the point that there was not a day that I did not consider suicide.

I did not seek help, and this carried on for months and months.

Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom didn't make things better for me either. The loneliness and monotony of staying home 24/7 was just too much for me to handle, that most of the time, I was grumpy and easily stressed out.

What made it worse was that I kept on thinking, "How the hell will I survive if we had a second child, or more?"

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

Deciding to Be One and Done

All the while, I felt guilty because our daughter couldn't get the best parts of me because the dark cloud of depression and the anxiety of planning for a second child was plaguing me.

My mental health was going down the drain, until one day, I said to my husband in a fit of distress:

"I don't want a second child! I'm done!"

Then he said, "It's all right. I'm fine with just one."

All the while I was wallowing in my sorrow, I didn't even stop to think about my husband's mental health.

He was emotionally and physically drained too, and I didn't pay attention. If we hadn't opened up to each other that time, our marriage would have been inadvertently affected as well.

After a long talk and months of being on the fence, we decided that having an only child was best for all of us:

We can dedicate all our love, attention, and energy to our daughter.
We can have more time on our hands to fit in travel, mental health days, and simple family bonding activities, without stressing over finances and childcare.
We can have more money to save for our daughter's tuition fees and all her needs, as well as our retirement, mortgage, car, business plans, etc.
And most importantly, we can be happier and better parents for our daughter because we have more time to take care of our mental health.

Photo by Jeniffer Araújo on Unsplash

Happy Parent, Happy Child

When we finally became more confident with our decision to be one and done, I also found it easier to deal with the stresses of parenthood.

I stopped putting too much pressure on myself because I didn't have to worry about preparing for a second baby.

I coped with my depression better because I started to see the world more clearly, now that the dark cloud is slowly going away.

Our house felt a lot like home because the tension between our marriage is gone, and this also meant a happier environment for our daughter to grow up in.

I worried less and enjoyed motherhood more: every smile, every laughter, and every moment was precious because our daughter will be our first and last.

It's bittersweet, but it's also freeing. Indeed, a happy parent equals a happy child.

The Bottom Line

So is it selfish to stop at one child to be happier and less stressed? Are we bad parents for putting our mental health first?

The answer is definitely NO.

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How to Limit Your Children’s Screen Time Without Stealing Their Joy

Article written by Kristin Louis

Kids spend a lot of time in front of a screen these days. In fact, children and teens between 8- and 18-years-old average more than seven hours of screen time a day.

According to the American Heart Association (AHA), that number should be closer to two hours a day. A

nd for children 2- to 5-years-old, screen time should be limited to one hour a day.

When children devote too much time in front of a phone, tablet, computer, television, or any other kind of electronic screen, it can negatively affect everything from their sleep to their academic performance to their physical, social and behavioral well-being.

Fortunately, there are plenty of practical ways to limit and monitor your children’s screen time. So, let’s take a look at a few of these methods, as well as some digital-free alternatives:

Allocating Screen Time

First of all, it’s important to understand that you don’t have to completely deprive your kids of using electronics at home.

That would be stealing their joy, and you don’t want to do that!

It is important, however, that you set guidelines for screen time each day.

For instance, you could allow your kids to watch TV or play their video games for an hour after they do their homework or after dinner.

Or, you could give them an hour of screen time to use as they please.

If your child really loves to do activities on a tablet or smartphone, you can find ways to sneak some learning into this time.

For example, there are many online lessons that will help teach math in practical, real-life ways, as well as apps that can help your child learn a new language.

The sky’s pretty much the limit when it comes to educational software; find what your child responds to and try to find something that scratches that particular itch.

However you decide to do it, it’s essential that you stay firm in your time limit, no matter how much they beg you or charm you.

Just keep reminding yourself that, later on, you’ll be thankful you stayed strong!

Team Sports

One of the best alternatives to screen time for children is getting them involved in team sports.

There are many health, social, and behavioral benefits of playing team sports.

They provide kids with the opportunity to develop essential life skills, healthy habits, self-discipline, and responsibility, among many other things.

Also, they can go a long way in improving self-esteem.

It might take trying out a few sports before your children find ones that they like, so instead of buying all new gear and equipment, consider getting second-hand or discounted items on sites such as eBay.

Viewing Shows and Games with Your Child

Another approach is to make the most of your children’s screen time by viewing content with them.

Whether it’s a TV show, video game, or anything else, consider watching and playing with your children every now and then.

This can provide an opportunity to critically think about and discuss the content, and it also allows you to see exactly what kind of stuff your children are watching/playing.

With this approach, perhaps your children will think about what you would say if you're not there viewing the content with them.

Removing Devices from the Bedroom

Finally, consider taking all electronic screens out of your children’s bedrooms.

This way, a TV, computer, tablet, smartphone, or another device won’t be part of their nighttime routine.

This can help them sleep better, and it will give them a chance to form new routines such as reading, journaling, doing puzzles, and doing other digital-free activities.

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Limiting your children’s screen time can benefit their overall health and well-being in profound ways.

However, it’s up to you to come up with a daily time limit — and be sure to enforce it.

Encourage your kids to try team sports, and find affordable gear and equipment on sites like eBay.

Lastly, actively engage with your children on the content they’re watching and playing, and consider removing electronic screens from their bedroom.

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About the Author: Kristin Louis

Kris is the writer behind the parenting blog Parenting with Kris. She has been writing articles summarizing the findings of screen-time studies for parents and offering some alternatives to screen time for young children. She uses her family’s experience, as well as the research she has personally done on the subject.

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Parenting Book Review: The Five Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children - parenting book review - only child blog

Title: The Five Love Languages of Children

Authors: Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell

Personal Rating: 5/5

Summary:

From the author of The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman teamed up with psychiatrist and author of How to Really Love Your Child Dr. Campbell to write a variant of the book that focuses on children. This book helps parents discover their children's love languages and provides practical advice on how to use the love languages to discipline their child more effectively.

A Focus on Loving Children Effectively

As the title suggests, the book focuses on methods in speaking your child's love language and therefore loving them more effectively.

The book works on the premise that all parents love their children, but does your children actually feel that love?

Dr. Chapman and Dr. Campbell emphasizes how making your children feel unconditionally loved every single day is the very foundation of building a positive and harmonious relationship with them.

And this includes being able to discipline and correct their behavior more effectively as well.

The first few chapters discussed the five different love languages—physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.

Each chapter goes into detail the different ways children manifest the need for these love languages, as well as practical suggestions on how parents can speak these love languages to their children.

There are also age-appropriate suggestions on how to discover your child's primary love language.

The authors, however, heavily emphasizes that a person's love language is fluid; that is, it can change over time and may change depending on a particular growth stage.

They stressed that although your child may have a primary love language, it's crucial to speak all five love languages as much as possible.

Emphasis on Positive Forms of Discipline

One of this book's strongest suits is how it emphasizes the use of positive forms of discipline over negative and punitive discipline techniques. To quote, Dr. Chapman and Dr. Campbell says:

"Nothing makes a child more desperate than a lack of love. However, it does not make sense to demand good behavior from a child without first making sure he feels loved."

"A child who misbehaves has a need. To overlook the need behind the misbehavior can prevent us from doing the right thing [loving them effectively and filling their love tanks]."

The chapter on "Discipline and the Love Languages" goes on to discuss five ideas on how to control your child's behavior: two positive methods (making requests and gentle physical manipulation), two negative methods (issuing commands and punishment), and one neutral method (behavior modification—i.e., positive and negative reinforcements).

While the authors do not advocate the use of punishment and other forms of negative discipline, they do emphasize the importance of expressing your love to your child before and after administering punishment.

Spanking is, of course, discouraged at all costs. The form of negative reinforcement suggested by this book is withdrawing certain privileges directly related to the offense.

They further emphasize that the key to effectively correcting the behavior of a child is to do it in the context of love, and in doing so, you should honor and respect their love language.

For example, not using criticism if your child values words of affirmation, or not using time-outs when their love language is quality time, etc.

The Verdict

Hands down, this is the best parenting book that I've ever read. It is an easy and quick read, and one that you can readily digest even when you're not well-versed in the concept of love languages.

The illustrations and suggestions in the book are also quite workable and can be easily applied in practice.

I highly suggest this book to any parent—whether you have young children or adult children. Love, after all, is timeless and it's never too late to make someone feel loved, especially your children.

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parenting book review - james dobson - new dare to discipline

Parenting Book Review - James Dobson Only Child - New Dare to Disciplin

Title: The New Dare to Discipline

Author: Dr. James Dobson

Personal Rating: 2/5

Summary:

World-renowned psychologist and marriage, family, and child counselor James Dobson talks about different aspects of discipline in areas of parenting, education, and morality. The book serves as both a guide and a "challenge" for parents to apply age-old parenting "advice" gleaned from centuries of parenting practice and the Bible itself.

A Difficult Read for the Modern Parent

I have to be honest that it took me two tries to read this book.

The first time, I stopped reading it because I found it quite too dry and too boring.

The second time, I was so ready to throw the book because of its very rigid view on discipline and it places too much emphasis on spanking.

Don't get me wrong.

I grew up in this kind of rigid discipline system, and while it has its merits, it can be quite difficult to apply in these modern times when young parents like me are exploring "newer" styles of parenting such as responsive parenting and gentle parenting—basically, variants of positive discipline.

Dr. Dobson argues that:

"The best source of guidance for parents can be found in the wisdom or the Judeo-Christian ethic, which originated with the Creator and was handed down generation by generation from the time of Christ."

To him, age-old discipline methods from centuries ago and traditional parenting wisdom passed from our elders, still ring true today.

He claims that "modern" permissive parenting is the root of everything wrong in our current society.

While there are parts that I agree, such as balancing loving kindness and intolerance to any act of deliberate wrongdoing, I beg to defer to his inflexible view on discipline.

There is a reason why "modern" parenting styles surfaced, and that's because traditional discipline methods focus more on corporal punishment rather than respecting the individuality and mental well-being of a child.

On Spanking, Corporal Punishment, and Rewards System

Spanking and Corporal Punishment

As was mentioned, Dr. Dobson underscores the significance of spanking children when disciplining.

While I agree that children should face consequences if an infarction is deliberately made by the child even after several warnings, I do not agree that spanking should be a central part to bending a child to submission.

Several studies have, in fact, supported that corporal punishment has long-term negative effects on individuals.

Dr. Dobson does emphasize that spanking should be used sparingly and only as a last resort.

He also delineated controlled spanking and child abuse, even emphasizing how a parent who is prone to intense anger should never even spank their child at all costs.

He also added that spanking is not effective when disciplining teenagers and that a different approach should be taken.

Rewards and the Issue of Bribery

One strong point of this book is that Dr. Dobson has discussed in great length creative ways to reward children and teenagers.

His rewards system methods can be applied both in the home and in school, and can be quite a good resource for teachers.

On the issue of bribery, however, Dr. Dobson emphasizes that rewards are not limited to monetary or other physical things; it can also be as simple as a word of praise, a hug, or a special trip to somewhere a child would enjoy.

He also discussed the best way to apply the rewards system without risking to spoil the child or make it lean towards bribery.

Discipline in Learning and Morality

The Value of Discipline in Learning

Another strong point of Dr. Dobson's view on discipline is how it relates to learning and morality.

He strongly advocates the need to individually assess the IQ of a child in order to better gauge his/her learning.

He also advises against putting a toddler to school way too early and even emphasizes how homeschooling during the early childhood days (before grade school) can be beneficial in molding a child's mental capacity to learn.

He is also against abolishing the grading system, as some schools have implemented, as he believes grading a child can be a good reward system in addition to being a measurement tool.

He does, however, advise that teachers should always grade children according to their individual learning journey (and their IQ level) instead of measuring his/her capabilities according to a generalized grading system.

A New Dare to Discipline to Uphold Morality

As was mentioned, Dr. Dobson claims that most of society's problems today stem from the lack of discipline.

One issue he discussed in length is the issue of early sex education and media's uncensored promotion of promiscuity and "safe" sex.

He believes that children should be shielded from these, especially when they are still young, and that the introduction of sex education should appropriately be a parent's responsibility—not the school or mass media.

The Verdict

Dr. Dobson's The New Dare to Discipline is a tough read, especially when you're a parent leaning towards a more mindful and positive style of parenting.

He does express some valid points when it comes to using rewards and the ramifications of lax discipline strategies on learning systems and one's morality.

If you're a parent who likes to do things the traditional way, you will likely enjoy this book.

However, for a parent who would rather explore a more contemporary and gentler way of disciplining your child, this book is not the best choice.

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home office ideas - work from home mom dad parent

Article written by Danny Knight

Thanks to flexible working practices, home offices are becoming increasingly popular.

Many people mistakenly believe that they don’t have the room or budget to create their own home office, but this is not the case.

With a bit of creative thinking and some clever design solutions, you can create a fantastic office in even the smallest of spaces.

Layout Ideas

A well-thought-out layout can make even the smallest space seem like a roomy office.

One way to create the illusion of space is to paint ceilings and walls in light colors, pale pinks, or lilacs, for example.

The right color can also improve your productivity, and research suggests that blue shades can help to make us more productive.

While color is fine if you’re making video calls, a neutral background will look more professional.

Letting in lots of natural light is also a great way of making a room feel “airy” and spacious.

A piece of statement wallpaper, even if it is just a small square behind your desk, can add interest and create the illusion of space without being too distracting.

A plant, even something small like a cactus, can add greenery to the room and gives it a natural feel.

Research also suggests that even a small plant can have a positive impact on our health and well-being.

Alternatively, you can use lighting to create the illusion of natural light and space. A colorful, statement lamp is not only functional but can add interest to an otherwise dull space.

If you’re creating an alcove office, or re-purposing a corner of the hallway, try using paint and flooring changes to zone the space.

Wherever you’re planning on placing your home office, pay attention to outlets. You don’t want to have to climb through a sea of cables to get to your desk.

De-Clutter

Work out what you’ll need, such as a desk, computer, and chair. Including only essential items on this list will help to minimalize clutter.

Research conducted by Harvard shows that a minimalist office can help you to focus for longer.

Make the Most of What You’ve Got

Repurposing items that you already own can save you money.

If you need to purchase new items, look for them in-store discounts. Signing up for store newsletters is also a good idea.

Sometimes, they’ll enclose a handy discount voucher code.

Design Solutions Can Save Space

When looking for furniture, consider how much space you actually need.

If you’re only using a laptop, you’ll be fine with a small desk.

Today, home office desks are available in a range of styles. This means you’ll find something that fits perfectly into your home.

Built-in desks and furniture are great, space-saving solutions.

For example, a drop-down or pull-out desk can be concealed within kitchen joinery.

Not only can this be cleared away when it isn’t in use, but you can also use it to supervise the kids as they do their homework.

Of course, you’ll also need an office chair.

While you’ll want something small enough to fit into your office space, it should also be comfortable.

Many home office chairs are now foldable, meaning that you can tidy them away at the end of the day.

Dual function items, such as a printer with a built-in scanner, will take up far less room than having both a printer and a scanner.

Shelving units with built-in organizers can also help you save space, as well as money, in the long run. Shelving is also a great way to make the most of any vertical space.

Tall bookcases and wall mounted storage can also help to keep the floor clutter-free. This helps create an illusion of space.

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About the Author: Danny Knight

Danny is a dad living in Philadelphia. He enjoys DIY projects almost as much as raising his two children. He is the co-creator of FixItDads.com, which offers tips for home improvement projects.

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The Guilt When You Put Yourself First

The Struggles of Being a First-Time Parent

Deciding to Be One and Done

Happy Parent, Happy Child

The Bottom Line

Only Children: Fact vs. Fiction

Allocating Screen Time

Team Sports

Viewing Shows and Games with Your Child

Removing Devices from the Bedroom

Is Self-Care Even Possible for SAHMs and WAHMs?

A Focus on Loving Children Effectively

Emphasis on Positive Forms of Discipline

The Verdict

A Difficult Read for the Modern Parent

On Spanking, Corporal Punishment, and Rewards System

Spanking and Corporal Punishment

Rewards and the Issue of Bribery

Discipline in Learning and Morality

The Value of Discipline in Learning

A New Dare to Discipline to Uphold Morality

The Verdict

Layout Ideas

De-Clutter

Make the Most of What You’ve Got

Design Solutions Can Save Space

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